Performance Anxiety - again

I'm coming to the conclusion that learning to deal with performance anxiety is like painting the Forth Bridge...  Why the Forth Bridge? - anecdotally the painting process never stops - once you reach one end, you just toddle back to the other end and start again - ad infinitum.



After a particularly discouraging personal performance in our orchestra in early April I determined to once again tackle this exasperating problem - this time simply by grabbing lots of opportunities to play for others - online, to a friend, my guitar teacher, to small groups of guitarists I know well, and yesterday in a small playing circle I didn't know so well.   Has it transformed me from a state of near panic (gripping the guitar with rigid cold sweaty hands like it might jump up and run away) into a confident performer?  Sadly, no.  However things have improved - although the physical symptoms have not disappeared, they have abated somewhat, and I have managed to play several times for my GT and other people.  Not particularly well, and with lots of fumbles plus the occasional outright wrong note, but mostly getting from the beginning to the end without stopping.  I actually thought I was doing a little worse yesterday, then recalled that we had to play completely cold with no warm up at all, so it wasn't so bad, considering.  And I didn't even stand out because everyone (even the more experienced players) were apparently suffering from the same problem! 

What did I do to even get this far?  There were 3 components:

First
I had help from my guitar teacher on preparing the pieces.  Specifically I've been working on the same 5 short pieces for the last 9 months - so I know them pretty well.  And GT had me play them super slowly - to the point where muscle memory failed and I was forced to think about the notes and what was coming up next.  I still find this surprisingly hard but it sure helps when you get brain freeze when trying to perform...

Second
I've been gradually ramping up the stress level and (hopefully) building up positive experiences -  it doesn't help to march out to play a masterclass first off, then crash and burn - makes things ten times worse the next time.  Experiences from low to high stress, for me that would be:

1. Recording self
2. Videoing self
3. Playing for a friend (ie a real person) who doesn't play guitar
4. Playing for teachers online (via classicalguitarcorner.com academy)
5. Playing for a nursing home Alzheimer's unit (I did this a while ago - the first time was excruciating, but after that it wasn't too bad - I could count on the audience not remembering the mistakes!)  I need to get back to it though because the performance practice definitely helped.
6. Playing for my teacher - really I should be used to this, but 'performing' for someone who is critically appraising my playing is the absolute worst stress...
7. Participating in playing circles with other guitarists (why guitarists? they hear the mistakes!)
8. Playing at a low-key open mic - there's a cafe near us where the open mic happens while people eat that's a distinct possibility. 
9. Playing at a higher stress open mic, like at our local guitar society or inviting a group of people round to a house concert
10. Playing in a masterclass... (just the thought makes me feel queasy).

I've reached #7 so far but I have a feeling it's going to be like learning to play the guitar - it gets exponentially harder...

Third

I had to make a commitment.  Each time there's an opportunity I would normally skip, I have to remind myself that this is the only way I'm going to get more comfortable (even while I'm busy making excuses to myself as to why I should pass).
So tonight, I'm definitely going to play something online.  For certain.  Definitely...  Well most likely anyway!